I will always remember 2022 as The Year My Dad Died. It wasn’t the only thing that happened. It definitely was the one that influenced most other things though.
The short summary for busy people
Shortly before I settled on my word of the year 2022, Rhythm, my father was diagnosed with an aggressive form of brain cancer. He died on July 6th, and I was fortunate to be in Germany at the time for his last days and the funeral.
Looking back, the first half of the year seems to be marked by “last times” and good-byes, by trying to savour what will soon be gone, knowingly. It taught me the importance of anchoring myself to this very moment. Sometimes savouring the here and now is all that is left.
The second half of the year was a time for reconnection - with myself and my loved ones. It was about rediscovery, and about grief work. This part of the year is still trying to teach me patience as I work through layers of guilt mostly triggered by my own expectations of myself.
The detailed review for myself (and those who love reading)
The kids are painting at their new desks, and I expect to have an hour at most before they’ll ask for input. So this will be a stream of consciousness type of post based on Sarah Peck’s year review template.
Dreams: What did I want at the beginning of the year?
When I defined my theme for 2022 (Rhythm), I already knew that my father probably wouldn’t live to see the end of the summer. My family has never shied away from discussing death, mostly because my mother has been an active hospice volunteer for years.
Unsurprisingly, I started to work on my own coping strategy with what would come, assessing the things that bring me joy, and adding them to my calendar in regular cadences.
2022 Milestones
There was more to 2022 than my father’s death. Life has a way to sprout new leaves even as you feel like you are being sucked into a vortex of emotions around one specific event only. Here are some of these milestones.
I turned 40 and celebrated big time
Thanks to COVID I moved my birthday weekend event from February to May, which means my birthday included a swimming pool and way better weather for everyone dressing up in their finest wedding attire.
And I fulfilled a lifelong dream of having a big big empress dress, custom maid, and utterly impractical. My 20 year old minimalist self would have been shocked. My 40 year old joyful self is delighted and will make a point in finding events to use it again.
If you want the contacts of the seamstress who made this happen, get in touch. She accepts commissions.
My kids started primary school - at a new school
After three years in public kindergarten, we decided to move the twins to a different school for their first school year. The process was nerve-wracking and we didn’t know for sure we’d get both kids into the same school until 3 days (literally) before the beginning of the school year.
It was the right decision. Both kids suddenly love going to school, which had a remarkable impact on their learning and their social skills. And the fact that the school has a lot more flexibility around drop off and pick up means that I am a lot more relaxed, too.
I enjoyed several special meals with good friends
After four years of dreaming, this year I finally made it to Osteria Francescana in Modena - one of the best restaurants in Europe. It was the highlight of a week long vacation in Italy. And it wasn’t the only Michelin-star experience this year.
My friends made sure I didn’t forget the joy of high cuisine joining me at Disfrutar, Moments, and Dos Palillos!
22km, 1400m accumulated elevation gain
My first tracked race in a long long time. My first tracked mountain race EVER. This was FalcoTrail. And I absolutely loved the experience! Working with the coaches from Squadrun (NZ) as I prepare for my first mountain ultra in 2023 is making all the difference.
I co-founded the Remote-First.Institute
While I took a step back on consulting and coaching this year to focus on other parts of my life, I did continue to engage with other remote work experts. After the spring session of the Remote Leadership Accelerator, I focussed on community and relationship building outside of paid work. One unexpected result was co-founding the Remote-First.Institute, a think tank focussing on the Future of Work. At times I am the odd one out with my insistence that remote work doesn’t need to be nomadic, nor asynchronous - and the ensuing discussions are useful for all of us.
That said, I am looking forward to kickstarting the next version of the Remote Leadership Accelerator at the beginning of 2023. More news on that in due time.
Reflections and Thoughts on Growth
Turns out, you can’t plan yourself out of grief. And yet, for myself, I can actually lessen the load by proactively planning joyful events into my routine - from looking forward to a fancy meal to trying something that scares me (hello impro theatre workshop).
That part went reasonably well. Grief itself was hard. Grief is still hard. My reading list reflects that. I read a lot about cancer, about loss, about recovery, about community and the role of friendship in our lives. I went to therapy, specifically for grief. I scheduled crying sessions into my agenda to allow myself to let go.
I also journaled a lot. Longhand, in paper journals. More often than not, the prompts in the Modern Loss Handbook helped me to put things into perspective. Writing continues to be meditation for me.
It feels like this year I retreated into a protective shell, mostly writing for myself and to myself. My online presence was a lot less visible than in previous years. My close people received way less postcards. I put my thoughts way less out there - something that I want to change in the upcoming year. Engaging with those outside of my bubble is necessary both for myself and my ideas.
And there’s something curious coming out of all that introspection: acceptance closely intertwined with non-attachment. Looking at myself and how my inner turmoil was often hidden to those from the outside - I have a deeper appreciation for the fact that I simply don’t know what others are going through.
For the better part of the past decade I’ve had this sticker on my monitor: “Everybody is doing the best they can.” This year, the phrase has gotten a deeper meaning, including not just resources and knowledge, but also inner reality. Sometimes “the best” means there’s nothing left after dropping off the kids at school.
Which brings me to non-attachment, especially when it comes to expectations towards other people. I know that I’ve certainly not been the best partner, mother, friend or even sibling this year. I’ve basically underperformed most of the time.
And yet, my partners, friends, and family haven’t judged me (for the most part). They’ve checked in, they made sure I don’t disappear, without resentment if I did not respond as expected (or maybe, very much as expected). That’s something that I want to do more of: managing relationships (what a Val concept) without making my happiness depend on the other person’s actions.
Or, in other words: I love you, and I don’t give a fuck whether you love me back the same way ;)
Gratitude - People
Some of my best connections this year were forged in real life. Something that is quite an accomplishment for an introvert who loves to live behind a screen: quarterly lunch with Zuz, meeting Rowena in Barcelona and then visiting her in Zaragoza, my birthday event with friends coming from as far as Sweden or the US, biannual fancy restaurant visits with a good friend, long conversations with my nesting partner, turkey dinner for Christmas with my chosen family. At the end of the year, it’s people that make all the difference.
And that’s it for now, reviewing 2022.
I promise to give you my word for 2023 tomorrow - once the kids are back to a “normal” vacation bedtime routine.
Happy new year!