Expectations for Remote Managers

How to manage a remote team - including some good questions to ask

The problem isn’t that you don’t know what exactly your direct reports are doing. The problem is that you have no freaking idea what is going on in their lives outside of work.

If you are leading a team, you are a people manager. Not a project manager, not a program manager. You are now in charge of people and their experiences, meaning it’s time to look outside or your xcel cheets, Gantt charts and KPI dashboards.

Humans have emotions - deal with it

People, by definition, are messy creatures. Even those with excellent work-life balance skills or rigid professional / private life boundaries will still experience emotional spillovers from one area to the other.

That is not necessary a bad thing.

A team member with a sick child at home might be distracted. A team member who is training for a marathon might fly a high after beating her personal best over the weekend. A team member going through a divorce might finally have the piece of mind to focus on complex projects. A team member grappling with the reality of death might be questioning the urgency of a deadline.

For better or for worse, these realities are now yours to consider. They rarely show up on dashboards, so here’s what to do about it - from practical to strategic.

Never skip a 1-1

You know how in an office you kind of pick up on people who haven’t slept, who are over the moon, who haven’t had their coffee yet, who are bringing cake - just by how they walk into the space? You don’t get that online, so it’s your responsibility to get the context you need.

• Put a weekly or biweekly meeting with each of your team members into your calendar. 30-45 min tends to be a good time.

• Especially if your team is hybrid: Enforce a private space for 1-1s. Those conversations should never happen in an open space where other colleagues can listen in.

• With a shared document for work-related updates you can focus on the HOW of work instead of getting stuck in the WHAT. Read up on what’s going on, then focus on how you can support your team member.

• Aim for a 30:70 ratio of work related vs context related conversation. If you can check it in a dashboard, don’t ask it in a meeting. Do your homework first.

Your goal for those 1-1s isn’t to convey that you are controling your team members. Your goal is to create the trust and reliability needed for them to reach out if anything goes wrong or they need support. That takes time and a minimum of interest (and good note taking) from your side. You are playing the long game here.

If I asked you “How are your team members coping with the current situation?”, can you answer that question without refering only to their responsibilities?

Find the things you have in common

Trust and reliability require time. They also require a certain level of vulnerability, a.k.a sharing tidbits about yourself. This does not mean you have to discuss childhood trauma with your team members (and you probably shouldn’t - unless you are a licensed therapist). It simply means for you to find two or three things you have in common with your team member.

As humans we appreciate the familiar, we trust those that are “like us”. And luckily for you the “like us” is pretty flexible.

Maybe you are both divorced, you both have kids - or not, you have the same number of siblings, you grew up in the same area, you love the same kind of books / series / movies, you practice the same / a similar hobby, you have the same pet peeves.

At some point you might even end up with a list for others to choose what they want to connect over ;)

Learn to have proper conversations

This is specifically for those who feel they are socially awkward, not really social, or who, in general, don’t quite get people. That is OK! You do not have to be a social butterfly to have meaningful conversations with individual people.

Luckily for you, having good conversations is a learnable skill. The main ingredient is curiosity and active listening. Yes! It’s not about you talking more, it’s about shutting up more. And the latter is something you can practice.

Curiosity is all about asking the right questions - or rather, ask questions that invite the other person to tell a story. We are all storytellers, and we usually learn something about ourselves while retelling our own story - something that we then attribute to the person who asked the question.

Here are some quick pointers, based on “How to Know a Person” by David Brooks - and adapted to remote realities:

• Treat attention like an on/off switch. There is no such thing as half-attention. So do not answer Slack messages or emails, or read your LinkedIn feed while having a conversation.

• Do not mute yourself. Actively feedback that you are listening. The hmms and aaaahs are valuable in conversations.

• Look them in the eyes or between their eyebrows if you feel uncomfortable with the eye contacte - I get you! On your computer, move their image right below your camera so it looks like you are looking them into the eyes.

• Make them authors, not witnesses. Ask for stories about specific events or experiences, then go deeper.

• Don’t fear the pause. Count to ten in your head if you must.

• Rephrase, loop, paraphrase. From time to time, summarise what they said to make sure you are still in the loop.

• No misery olympics. There’s no need to top the drama of other people with more drama.

Bonus: Questions to help you to get unstuck

• What can I do to help unstuck any of your current challenges?

• Is there any gossip I should be aware of? (Use once a quarter at most).

• What’s the thing you are currently passionate about?

• What’s working really well in your life? At work?

• Who has been kind to you recently - and what was that about?

• In a year from now, what will you be celebrating?

• In the age of “eras” - what’s the title of your current “era”? Which “era” would you like to transition into next?

• Tell me about a time you adapted to change?

• What are you most proud about?

• What do you think your colleagues appreciate about you most? In which situations does this show up?

Now go forth and have those conversations. Practice with friends, siblings, neighbours, and then learn about your colleagues. It’s worth it.

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If this was forwarded to you, I am Valentina Thörner, Empress of Remote and process geek. My friends (and colleagues) call me Val, and I write and teach about remote leadership, operations, and, yes, relationships (friendship and otherwise). Find me on LinkedIn - and get in touch if you have a question for this newsletter or are interested in coaching. I have two open slots for 2025.